For most of us in relationships with someone
suffering dealing with anxiety, the exchange in love can seem a little chaotic if the partner is not fully aware on his or hers partner’s anxiety and panic disorder. Until the anxiety is fully understood and acknowledged by the other partner, there will be pure f*cking chaos.
Having a partner who deals with anxiety is NOT for people with low tolerance or patience.
Quick run down. I use to suffer from anxiety and panic attacks very often. After having a major surgery that changed my life, I was opened up to fear. From the time I was 13 years old, I started to have constant panic, worry and no longer felt safe.
Anxiety attacks were the root cause of my high school drop out at age 16. I married my husband at age 21 and my anxiety was still not under control. Yes, our marriage was a lot like leaving a party before 10pm, however it’s been this illuminating experience I can’t quite explain. Him and I, we are each other’s mirror. There was just one thing missing.
He didn’t have anxiety and I did.
Early on in our relationship, I wrote my husband this letter. It was a letter I felt he needed to read because I noticed he wasn’t fully comprehending the extent of what my anxiety really was. Of course, he said he understood but I FELT he truly didn’t grasp what anxiety does.
For me, journaling helped me express my inner true self. Recently I’ve decided I was going to publish some of my journal entries to my blog and talk about the growth I’ve experienced. I’m extremely proud of my progress with my anxious thoughts as they are no longer controlling me.
I’m writing you this letter to give you a little insight of my mind and thoughts. Please, take this information with love and open your heart to know the truth behind what anxiety is.
To My Husband Jake: Things I want and need you to know about my anxiety
1. It’s not all in my freaking head. Stop saying that! I do feel physical symptoms. My heart will have palpitations. I get dizzy. My chest does hurt. I might pass out or vomit. I may have uncontrollable bladder.
—Although it pissed me off, I needed my husband to tell me it was all in my head. It led me to my knowledge of mindfulness.
Tracy’s Pro tip Say it out loud:
“If I can talk myself into an anxiety attack, I have the power to talk myself out of an anxiety attack.”
2. Physical pain is worse for people who have anxiety. I don’t know how, it just is. They feel the physical pain in additional to their fears and racing thoughts. Is this normal? Am I going to die? What if, what if, what if!
— I’ve learned to surrender and trust Gods plan for my life, truly.
3. I’m super smart and creative. I have brilliant ideas but fear holds me back. People who have anxiety are highly intelligent – they’re thinkers (which is what gets in our way sometimes).
4. I’m extra sensitive to other people’s energy. Large crowds/ parties etc are on a case to case basis on how I feel THAT day. My rsvp means shit. Sorry. I may run away in a large crowd. I’m fine. It’s not you. I need to collect myself for a moment.
— I’ve learned I am an empath and have embraced this gift from God to create a life authentic enlightenment and pure joy. I no longer fear what I pick up. I process and let go.
5. My tiredness goes way beyond what exhaustion means for you. My mind is mentally exhausted from the thousands maybe 150,000 thoughts I had that day. Just because I’m extremely exhausted doesn’t mean I’ll fall right asleep when we lay down for bed! I may have insomnia and that’s because my mind won’t shut the F off.
— Prayer cured this feeling.
6. Anxiety holds me back. The thought of possible failure or embarrassment pauses my life. This makes me feel sad because I KNOW my potential I just feel stuck!
— I have moved passed my fears by awakening from anxiety. I continue to rise to my fullest potential each and every day.
7. I’m easily frustrated and overwhelmed. I have a lot going on in my mind. I might snap what seems to be out of the blue, or have mood swings only because my brain was just on high power for so long that an interruption of these thoughts make me angry.
— Again, daily prayer, staying grounded to my truth self and eating healthier has helped regulate my emotions.
8. I can’t just shut off my brain. It just doesn’t stop ! I try. I try a lot. I’m still learning how to control my thoughts. I’m praying for help. I’ll get there! Someone with anxiety doesn’t stop trying. Their minds won’t let them.
— I love this one. My self talk was creating anxiety. I had to learn to start talking differently about “my anxiety.”
9. Have patience with me. I can sense when you are running low on patience and that gives me more thoughts that create me to be anxious. When I FEEL that I’m not rushed with ANYTHING, my anxiety will start to calm itself down naturally because I will pick up your calm vibes.
— I knew I could pick up vibes, but at this time when I wrote this, I didn’t realize that I could hand everything over to God because that’s exactly what he wants us to do.
10. Stop asking me if I’m OK. This gives me more anxiety. I don’t freaking know if I’m okay. I’m freaking out on this inside. My thoughts are still trying to figure out if I’m dying or if I am okay!
11. Change does not come easy to me. Change is scary as hell and the unknown makes me incredibly anxious.
— Change CAN come easy to you. Ask me how.
12. I hear you but I’m not always listening. I don’t have short term memory loss. I just zone the heck out! It’s not on purpose, it’s not because I don’t care or because I’m not interested. It’s because my mind has wandered . . . yet again.
13. I need to feel safe, always. Having the back up plans, checking things more than once, knowing where the exits are, having a to do list, a particular route – all of this makes me feel safe.
— I now feel safe within because I know God is always with me. My Faith overpowered my fear.
14. I’m not making a big deal out of NOTHING. That dark brown mole could be cancerous. I could have this disease I read on Google, that work email was terrible, I can’t believe I missed that detail …. these are BIG things to me. I need you to listen.
This letter was wrote at a time when I had little to no knowledge of the true power of prayer for gaining control over my thoughts which led me to have a lack of self control over my emotions, then leading me down a road of constant anxiety.
Know that you CAN awaken from your anxiety. You CAN have a life outside of these thoughts. Anxiety does not have to be your reality.
You must want to live outside of fear and be brave enough to trust Gods plan.
Because why not?